Airfare add ons are reaching the absurd

Flying on too many airlines in the world these days requires a calculator to determine all the airfare add ons unless you are privileged enough to have more than an average level of frequent flier status.

Thanks to one of our intrepid world travelers for providing us so much fodder to create this decidedly, but not so far off, tongue-in-cheek ticket add-on detail:

Base Round-Trip Airfare: Denver to SFO: $200

Airfare Add Ons Prior to Departure:

• If you would like to reserve an actual seat, please add $50 to $129.99
• If you would like to check a bag, please add $50
• If you want us to load your checked bag onto the plane for you, please add $25
• If you would like to carry anything with you including a wallet or purse or food to eat on the plane, please add $25
• If you are wearing a jacket, please add $3
• If you are wearing a heavy sweatshirt, please add $2
• If you are wearing any clothing at all, please add $1
• If you plan on breathing the air provided on our airplane during the flight, please add $5
• If you would like to use our convenient walkway to enter and exit the aircraft, please add $10

Airfare Add Ons In case of Emergency:

If you would like access to any safety equipment in the unlikely event of absolute mayhem, please see the following options available for in-flight purchase:

• Access to an oxygen mask – $15*
• Access to a life vest, please – $15*
• Emergency exit fee – $12*
• Seat on life raft (please select from the following available options)*
  • Huddled on the floor of the raft, please add $5
  • Sitting on available sitting sections, please add $10
  • Clinging to raft while fending off sharks, please add $1

*This is a cashless aircraft. Flight personnel can only accept Visa, MasterCard, Discover, and American Express. Fees for use of emergency equipment for your safety will need to be paid prior to use. We recommend pre-purchasing our Emergency VIP Card that allows priority access to oxygen masks, life vests, and first-in-line of the panic to exit the plane without the inconvenience of having to pay for these services on the plane. Our EVIP Card is only $100 and good for one flight.

Options and Extra Airfare Add Ons In Flight:

Our lavatories require tokens to access. One-time use tokens may be purchased from flight attendants prior to departure for $5 or during the flight for $10.

Leaving your seat requires a pass. If you anticipate needing to leave your seat for any reason, including retrieving your carry on luggage from the overhead, please add $10 to ensure a gold star is placed on your boarding pass.

If you wish to purchase any additional in-flight services including, but not limited to: access to the overhead light, control of the overhead air vent, movies, audio, reclining seat, and tray table, please refer to a copy of the inflight magazine for pricing information.

Your copy of the Inflight magazine can be purchased once on board for only $6

Thank you for choosing to fly Ridiculous Air where we appreciate your money.